What is Depression & Anxiety?
‘Why is depression hard to understand?’
It is simply invisible.
It is not ‘feeling a bit sad.’
One minute you’re doing okay and the next you feel like the walls are closing in. You’re being cave-in, inside your own head, and your heart starts sounding like a thousand drums playing all at once. A part of you is sad, lonely, and damaged. Another part is cold and doesn’t care anymore.
Anxiety sucks, you unintentionally make yourself sad, you feel alone even when you’re not and sometimes you don’t even know what’s wrong. You can be so depressed and no one around you notices? Not your parents, your siblings, your friends, your teachers, your classmates, no one. You can be on the verge of tears, drowning, and everyone is in a total oblivion of your pain.
Around this time you realize that you are not okay, and that everyone around you are safe in their dreamland while you are kept awake by all the demons that don’t allow you to sleep, distracting you from your visions.
Your thoughts begin to spiral and downward you go, as soon as your first tear falls, it’s like you’ve called on a storm. Your heart is in tangles and your mind is a mess trying to reconnect itself back into the real world. You find yourself scattered drowning in a sea of your own sadness and now you lay awake wishing you spent the night counting stars instead of all the problems in your life.
Having anxiety and depression is being scared and tired at the same time, all the time. It’s the fear of failure but there is no urge to be productive. It’s wanting friends but hate socializing because you are paranoid that they will double cross you. It’s wanting to be alone but not wanting to be lonely. Its caring about everything then caring about nothing. It’s feeling everything at once then feeling paralyzingly numb from fear.
Everyone makes depression and anxiety seem so beautiful and easy to cure. But lets make something clear. It is not quirky to be depressed. “Kill yourself,” should not be a punchline to a joke because suicide is not funny. Self harm scars are not “tragically beautiful.” Razors do not kiss your wrist. They tear your skin open in the most brusque way possible. They cause pain, shame, and humiliation.
Anxiety is not cute it is showing up as a drunken mess because you can’t do it sober. Losing your friends, family, and yourself because you haven’t seen sunlight in days. Mental illnesses does not deserve to be watered down and covered in flowers to look more acceptable. Everyone needs to stop trying to make mental illness’ seem light and lovely as if everyone can recover easily. It is difficult and takes time to recover.
This is depression and anxiety.
“You Should Tell Someone How You’re Feeling”
‘Why don’t you ask for help or talk to me?’
People tell you that you can share your feelings openly to them, promising false lies of keeping your dark little secret, then goes off telling the next person a short or long summary of your personal thoughts. Then they wonder why you don’t trust them anymore. You’re afraid to tell people how you feel because it will destroy them, so you bury it deep inside yourself where it destroys you.
You can only be so strong for so long until you reach the point where you break, physically, mentally, emotionally, you’re broken. It is difficult to talk about it because people use depression as jokes, so all you can do is lie in bed, and hope to fall asleep before you fall apart.
We live in a world where if you break your arm, everyone runs over to sign your cast, but if you tell people you’re depressed everyone runs the other way, hiding as if you were a hideous creature that kept you awake as a child. We are so, so, so accepting of any body part breaking down other than our brains, and that’s ignorance. That’s pure ignorance. It has created a world that doesn’t understand depression, that doesn’t understand mental health. Parents try to ignore their child’s mental health, telling them it’s a stage and that we are being overdramatic. But they don’t accept the fact that we actually need a helping hand. They wish for their child to be normal, not crying in their room at the age of 15 because they can’t handle school anymore and wish to never get out of bed to face the scary beast of society and judgement. I wish at school they would talk about depression, anxiety, eating disorders, and self harm. Not just bullying. When they do talk about it, it’s when someone is sent to the school councilor, and even there we don’t give the reassurance we need.
Schools should talk about mentality because sometime it’s not people that make us feel like shit, its ourselves. We can’t help it, the smallest thing from others perspective can be a catastrophic disaster with a evacuation alert for the flooding of tears. If a teacher notices a student’s mind is else where, they usually call them after class to tell them ‘cheer up it’s almost the end of the day,’ thinking that’s exactly what they needed.But it’s not. We need more than a pat on the back.
This is why people do not ask for help or talk about it.
“Are you okay?”
No I’m not.
Not at all.
I have anxiety.
My biggest fear is rejection.
I want to tell someone.
Maybe I should tell you.
I need someone to hug me, tell me its all gonna be okay. I want to tell someone, I want to spill out everything. But what if I tell you and you reject me? What if you think I’m asking for attention?
“Im fine, just tired. Thanks though”
The thing is, most people who are misunderstood want to talk to people, but we feel so uncomfortable talking because people don’t take it seriously. The other problem is you can’t tell who’s really there for you. You think you can trust someone but in reality they have the ability to inform everyone else, or they don’t care in general. If someone trusts you enough to tell you personal things such as their struggle with depression or what anxiety feels like or just how they feel in general, please don’t be a shitty person and brush it off by belittling it just because you’ve never experienced it. It feels like shit to be told your feelings don’t matter by the one person you actually trusted enough to tell. Those types of people have no idea how difficult it is to go on every day living in constant fear of never being good enough.
//!BEING EMOTIONAL DOES NOT MAKE YOU WEAK!//
I’m not sure if I’m depressed. I mean, I’m not exactly sad all the time, but I’m not exactly
happy either. I can laugh and joke and smile during the day but sometimes when I’m alone at night I forget how to feel because all of the events that have occurred come spiraling down into my thoughts causing an emotional train wreck.
When I’m upset, I shut myself down. I have no motivation for anything. I tell myself that nobody cares, even though I know some might. I think about all of the negative things I could possibly think of. I’m not sure why I do that, but thats just how I am. It sucks because I try so hard and the things I do never seems to be enough for anyone not even for myself.
I’m one of those people that are just there like yeah I have friends and people talk to me, but I’m nobody’s favorite person and nobody looks forward to talking to me everyday or anything and it sucks. I have an inexplicable urge to push people away, even close friends who I really enjoy. I know for a fact that I do this on a daily occurrence because as I said earlier we have this wired mindset thinking no one cares even if some might actually care.